I haven't had this feeling in a while and I would only have this feeling when I was lonely...it rather bothers me really to feel like this because I wish I knew what it was

The best way I can explain it is detachment. I walk around the house and feel like I'm not really me. I'm not in my body and I'm really just looking in on someone else's life. It isn't my own and I have no function but to just merely be there as a watcher.

On top of that my research paper is due tomorrow and I haven't even started it...I don't know what I'm going to do.

I'm in such a weird rut thinking is out of the question. I don't know if I feel good or bad, happy or sad. I just don't know anything. No feeling...nothing

I used to cut myself the most years ago when I felt like this because I didn't really feel the pain or feel anything at all from it. It just...I don't know.

That's all I can say right now. I don't know. Why am I here? I talk to my mom about trivial things...no real feeling in anything I speak about or any feeling in the activity of speaking to my mother, but just to have a conversation, just to add some dialogue to this story I feel like I'm watching.

Now when I tell this journal entry to submit...am I assuming? Supposing that someone will read it? Maybe someone out there knows how this feels and can tell me how to tune back into myself or how to tune out entirely. I don't feel like this is right...to not feel the genuine connection of yourself to your body...it's just not there. What does that mean? Do I not belong? This thought doesn't stir any emotion in me. Should it? I'm confused slightly but the thoughts running in my head have just congealed into one white mass. The contrast of white on white has left me in this weird blankness of thought.

But this begs me to wonder. Why do I feel like this again all of a sudden? Did I reach such a zenith of stress that my mind booted me out to save myself from personal destruction on some level unknown to myself?

I'm not going to hurt myself after this, there is no point to it. I'm not going to do anything really but try to start my research paper. But still...why now? This only used to happen to me when I was alone for long periods of time when I was a child. I remember just sitting outside surrounded by trees and just not feeling in tune with anything, completely out...

So...when I submit this journal and assume the reader, being you now, in whatever space time you may be taking up at this moment. What do you think of me now? I need help? I need to just forget about it or snap out of it? Maybe so...just maybe...